Justice Sensitivity, ADHD, and the Hell of Holding the Receipts

I have the receipts. Screenshots. Forwarded Dick Pics. Dates they went on the dates. Grindr screenshots, Whatsapp transcripts, first-hand witness accounts. I wasn’t looking for it, they fell into my lap and now I'm stuck with the information forever - like herpes; but even more annoying.

My friend's boyfriend is cheating on him. And here’s the fucked-up part: I can’t say a word. Ever.

Not because I don’t care. Not because I don’t want to protect my friend. But because I know the second I open my mouth, the cheater will twist it. He’d gaslight my friend until they doubted themselves. I’d be cast as a trouble-causing chaos goblin trying to sabotage their “love story.”

Meanwhile, my ADHD brain, the one wired with what researchers call “justice sensitivity,” is screaming like a fire alarm.

Justice sensitivity is what happens when you’re hardwired to feel unfairness like it’s ripping your insides out. And ADHD folks are especially prone to it. That’s me.

So there it is: evidence in one hand, my whole body screaming "TELL THEM, TELL THEM, TELL THEM". And yet… silence.

This is the story of what that silence is doing to me, what it is teaching me about my ADHD, and why being the moral compass in a cheating scandal is the worst unpaid gig on earth.

My Brain’s Obsession With Fairness

Let’s start with the science before I spiral into another rant post.

Justice sensitivity is measured with the Justice Sensitivity Scale. It breaks into four angles: victim (when you feel wronged), observer (when someone else is wronged), beneficiary (when you benefit unfairly), and perpetrator (when you wrong someone else).

ADHD brains, reportedly, score high on “victim” and “observer” and lower on “perpetrator.” Translation: we notice every injustice against us or others, and shit the bed noticing when we screw up. Checks out.

Add ADHD’s emotional dysregulation, and injustice doesn’t just bug us; it hijacks our entire body. Feeling unfairness in your bones means jaw locking, shoulders knotting, stomach just flipping rhythmically. It’s like edging but instead of orgasm you get heartburn and IBS.

Add in Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that particular ADHD glitch where being ignored feels like being sawed in half, and you see why the cheating boyfriend scenario short-circuits me. If I told my friend and they didn’t believe me, the rejection would kill me. If I stay quiet, my justice radar screams betrayal. No win.

It’s data. ADHD adults report bigger, faster, longer emotional hits than neurotypicals. It’s not that we don’t know we’re spiralling, it’s that our brains hit the gas before we can even see the skid.

The Cheating Boyfriend in Question

He's not even discreet. That’s what stings. Grindr profile active within 200 metres of their partner's place. Messaging half the gay men in the postcode, arranging to meet with 'friends' that just happen to be in the same town as them - coincidently. He even takes this partner along. I know he has been fucking on the DL frequently. He's posting his romantic trips away, all smiles, while nursing a cocktail and hoping his partner can't smell the cum on his breath from sucking off the 'friend' they met earlier. So. Many. Friends.

I struggle to scroll past. I wanted to forward the evidence.

But I don't.

Because he would deny it. Worse, he'd spin it to make me the issue.

Gaslighting doesn’t need to be epic. It can be that soft seep: Why are you obsessed? You’re reading too much into it. Jealous much? Before you know it, my friend is doubting me and recommitting to the cheater.

So I shut up. But the receipts are burning a hole in my pocket.

Inside My ADHD Head: The Loop

Here’s what justice sensitivity does to a person like me:

I make lists. Timelines of what I know, what I could prove, what I suspect. Like a beardier Gay Poirot.

I drafted speeches in the shower, on the train.

When I don't act? Shame. Guilt. Rage. Loop back to the start.

Neurotypicals shrug and say “Not your business,” sipping their wine and move on. But to me, it is my business. Injustice itches like a hangnail.

Watching my friend get lied to feels like a car crash in 4K slow-mo. I am strapped to a bench, screaming into my own sleeve.

Ethics in the Real World

Therapists say timing is everything. Tell someone at the wrong moment and they cling harder to their abuser. Drop proof too bluntly and you’re the drama, not them.

Because truth without support is a grenade lobbed into someone’s life.

That is my nightly wrestling match. I know I am right. I have proof. But I had no safety net for my friend. If they turned on me? I’d be isolated. If they stayed with him? They’d suffer longer.

Coping When Your Moral Radar Is Screaming

This is how I survived the nights of burning silence:

Eat, sleep, hydrate. So predictable it hurts. And also helpful. Vent to someone outside the orbit. The receipts don’t burn as much once another person has seen them. Rant on the internet.

Cold water on the face. Measured breathing. Walking. Grounding techniques that therapists preach but I didn’t believe till they worked.

Limit rumination. “Fifteen minutes to obsess, then done.” Set timers.

Therapy; ADHD-aware CBT or DBT. It's saved me from becoming the bitter friend who only talks the cheater.

When They Finally Ask

When the question comes “Do you think he’s cheating?” my heart will stop.

I don’t yet know how I’ll answer. I think they already know they're being cheated on - the signs are clear, you can see them from space.

My RSD can’t risk being hated.

I hope the relationship ends on my friend’s terms. I'm scared though as their cheating partner is a classic monkey-brancher, one of his affairs, one of these days ,will stick and he'll be swinging off - it's how he has started every relationship. I hope that doesn't happen to my friend, but I expect it too.

Trauma Bonds and the Looped Hurt

It smells of trauma bonds. Because that’s what this is. Not messy codependency. Not loyalty. Trauma fuelled by hope and hurt.

What Justice Sensitivity Taught Me

Justice sensitivity is both a gift and a curse. It makes you fight for what’s right. And suffer when you can’t.

I realise my job isn't to swoop in with a rescue plan. It is to hold space. Be there when the truth lands.